I hate to say it, but this is how I felt after reflecting on some cruel words, from a twisted friend. She said:
Men are visual. If I were a man, looking for a woman to date or marry, I wouldn’t look at you. These are just certain realities that you will likely have to deal with. You limp, which, to put it bluntly, does not exactly pull a man’s heart strings. You can’t wear heels, so it doesn’t matter how great a figure you may have, you can’t dress in a way that would make men notice.
With her words lurking in the back of my vulnerable mind, I stubbornly went on-line in my quest for that special guy. However, I had to do the noble thing, which meant initiating conversations about disability and what is wrong with me!
Imagine that, a man goes on-line looking for love, looking for joy, looking for what is right, and meets pain and discomfort, what is wrong! The silly thing is that I rarely experience pain and discomfort, and when I do it rarely holds me back. Even more telling, I am overflowing with joy and love, what is wonderfully right with me.
‘What is wonderfully right with me’, I said to my friend, ‘should take the focus in my introduction to others’. Still, she bombarded my head with noise about reality, my disability, and fairness. She wouldn’t shut up. So I consulted God. It was then that I knew. She had to go!
It’s not my way, but I had to kill her! I had to kill my friend, that disheartening part of me!
With God and no bickering controlling my head, I can clearly see that I, Nudaan, am love. I am not hindered by anything, but negative perceptions of self. I will forever kill any part of me that turns off the light in me, the beauty of me. As my light shines, I share with others the beauty of every part of me, even my sometimes stubborn right leg.
My life today is not about being transparent about my flaws or changing my marital status. It’s about my eternal quest to enliven the love in me, and one way to do this is to find and kill or disable, the negative parts of me.