Tag Archives: destiny

The Day I Crumbled

I read the prologue of my book to a group of writers. They felt that taking people through the experience of having a stroke was riveting. Read it below and tell me what do you think?

It was early Saturday morning, April 28, 2007, two weeks before my 46th birthday. I was a vegetarian and continued to go to the gym five times per week. I was healthy and as fit as an athlete, physically anyway. I believed I was in better shape than many thirty-year-olds.

Feeling sleep in my bones, I rolled my body to the edge of my bed, dangled my feet over and slowly sat up. I dropped my bare feet onto the hardwood floor, allowing my legs to drunkenly carry my body to the bathroom. Yet, once inside the toilet, my body wouldn’t do the functions it always did every single morning.   Even after sitting for maybe five minutes, nothing happened!  Pulled to the mirror by my subconscious or some other unseen force, I slowly raised my body up, shuffled a few steps forward, and gazed into the mirror. I can’t describe my reflection, but my right eye looked troubled.  This could have gotten my full attention, if it weren’t for the tiredness that seemed to be weighing my body down like a heavy load.

“Go back to your bed,” said a silent voice inside me.

I instantly turned around and allowed my head to carry my increasingly droopy body back into the bedroom. As I tried to hoist myself up the 25 or so inches onto the surface of my bed, my arms, legs and every other part of me came sliding down to the ground. It was like an unstoppable avalanche!

I was suddenly like a helpless baby, totally unable to pick myself up off the floor. I thought, maybe hoped, I was dreaming.

Frightfully confused, I crawled on my belly like a senseless, headless chicken, from the bedroom to the bathroom, and then turned right towards the kitchen. It was as if some kind of horrifying madness had taken me over.

I probably would have panicked to death, if Shani, my then five-year-old daughter, had not appeared. I knew then that I didn’t just have to worry about what was erasing me, I had to take care of her.

I somehow told Shani, who I imagine must have been freaking out, to get the phone. Desperately, I tried several times to dial my mother; but each time, after the 3rd or 4th number, everything became so mixed-up in my mind that I was unable to recognize or see even a single number.

A voice inside me said “Dial 911!” It was only 3 numbers.  I could do that.

Knowing the ambulance was on the way reduced the pandemonium that was itching to break loose from inside me. For a merciful moment, the reduced stress enabled my brain to somehow find itself. I correctly dialed my mother’s number, the hardest 9 digits my brain ever had to hold on to.

I did not hear my mother say hello. I have no recollection of Shani taking the phone. I can only remember her quiet fear-stricken voice.  “Grandma, there’s something wrong with Mommy! Who’s going to take care of me?”

My heart felt like it crumbled into miniscule peaces as I heard those words. I could not really see Shani’s face or the frightful tears, which must have hidden behind her desperate eyes; yet I knew she was scared to death.

Soon the Paramedics rushed in, a man and a woman. Working hurriedly outside the kitchen of my two bedroom apartment, they were doing doctor things to me and asking doctor questions, which I was too senseless to know or remember.

Then two firefighters rushed in. They assessed the situation and veered toward Shani, peering silently from the adjoining living room.  My eyes fixed on the two handsome firefighters as they played doll with my daughter, saying comforting little-girl things. I had no doubt they would care for and protect her until my mother came. Even for but a moment, my body relaxed with a feeling of tremendous gratitude.

I cannot recall much about leaving my apartment or travelling down the elevator. Yet I remember feeling some sort of pity for myself, as I noticed the rental agents peering through the window of their ground floor office, and as the Paramedics held adjoining ends of the stretcher and rushed me out the apartment entrance and into the ambulance.


What Gift of Yourself Do you Not Want to Die Without Releasing to the World?

festive ribbon details with blurred background If you were told you only had a short time to live, what gift of yourself would you still need to give to the world?

What I feared most when the stroke almost killed me was that I had not given the world the best of me. This pushed me to creating a book and a course, detailing a process for healing, success and giving our best to the world.

How is, or could your gift be incorporated in your life work, and shared with the world?

How feeling abandoned can actually be a good thing?

Last night I had a recurring dream. I was left alone with no ride and no way to get home. I was so fuming mad that I still felt the anger when I woke up. I have dreamt of being deserted several times; this even included my mother as one of those mean souls who abandoned me.

This fear is quite a common one. Some say it’s a reflection of our powerlessness due to health issues or a traumatic experience as a child. Others say it is a fear we are born with, as can be seen when we separate a baby from its parents. I believe it’s also our resistance to life preparing us for the way forward?

There are times when life forces our family and friends to abandon us, in order to grow us. This is because we are most comfortable when we have or do things the same way, or when the same people we are used to are there for us. Change this and we get upset. Reflecting on my dream I can now say to myself: O.k you’re forgotten, left alone, or abandoned. Do you waste your time steaming with anger or do you open your eyes to see the opportunity that life is offering you?

Here is the amazing part. I look now and I see many parts of my life where I feel I am being abandoned, and I get it. It’s just life shifting me, to focus on the people and path that will grow me. To remind me of this and perhaps keep those fearful abandonment dreams at bay, I wrote the following poem. I will paste it so I can see it daily. Perhaps it will also be useful to you or another you know.

Life is Unfolding as It Should

Choosing the Vehicle that will Get us Where We Want to Go

I had a dream. I was travelling from New York to Toronto with two friends. We went to catch a train in an outdoor station. When we got on the tracks there were 2 trains, one right in front of me and the other a little behind.

I did not know which train to go on. While lost in my thoughts, my friends got on one of the trains without my seeing. I did not know which train they went out, so I just stood in front of the first train unable to decide what to do.

Message: Indecision can sometimes be about waiting for God to show us the way. It can be about waiting for something to happen that will make us move towards our destiny.

The train in front of me left with me still standing there. It was then that I went to the second train, only to confirm that I had in fact missed the train to Toronto and my friends were on it!

I went to a conductor who was guiding people on to the trains.  Perhaps he would tell me another way to get home.

As I was talking to the first conductor, another conductor come up to me  and  directed me to a bus. I asked if the bus was going  to Toronto and he said yes.

Message: When you miss the opportunity that you believe was to take you where you want to go, do not fret. That was not the path which the universe has planned for you. Another way, your way, will soon appear.

The bus seemed to be waiting for me. From the outside, it looked like one you would see in the 196o’s, the decade in which I was born.

I got on the bus. In the back of the bus was a group of high school kids. Some were standing up, all were quiet, neither welcoming nor unwelcoming. I sat on a bench, and I was totally comfortable.

Driving the bus was a small middle aged black woman, looking somewhat feeble. I felt that she was very strong, and would without doubt get me where I needed to go. She did not say a word. Nobody said a word.

A Slower Way May be The Quickest and Best Way to Your Destination

The bus took off. Though it drove slowly, I got that I could likely get to Toronto before the train, before my friends. Even more so, I felt the bus being there just when I needed it, going where I needed to go was no coincidence. God had something to do with it.

Message: Be silent and know that I am God. Your journey and your vehicle may seem inferior to others. Yet it is brings you unimaginable peace and comfort, for it is taking you to exactly where you are supposed to be. It is taking you to your personal blessing.

In the silence, I could feel divine blessing. I could feel love. I knew that I would be a comfortable passenger in this God-sanctioned vehicle that would get me where I wanted to go, to the home that is my destiny.

Now I also see that the driver could be me – a delicate looking driver of my own life, with the strength and commitment to drive people to the place where they are most at home.

I did not miss a train. I was guided to the vehicle I was supposed to be on, the one that would take me on my true path that life intended for me.