Since I started working again (following the Stroke) stuff has been flying at me like rubble in a hurricane. But I am not running anymore, because it is not the hurricane around me that is causing my pain, it is really where I am and how I am standing.
Creating a Hurricane in My Mind
One of my most recent hurricanes was caused by an employer (let’s call him Bill) who I believe did not want to pay me after I put a lot of time into completing a job. So I created a hurricane in my mind and he was the source. The thoughts flared angrily in my head.
I am not just going to sit back and take this! I am not going to hold on to this emotion, and let it boil up, until I implode with a stroke! I have to let it out, even if it gets ugly!
So, I sent an unprofessional and hurtful email, blasting Bill and his team for what they were doing to me. They would receive my tirade of lashings, for all the people in the past that took advantage of me and treated me unfairly. The problem is my tirade backfired, for I felt so sick inside. I felt as though I would have another stroke.
Recognize the Source of What is Killing You
It was not until I began to notice that it didn’t matter whether I held my anger in or blast it out, I could never address it unless I look from or stand in another place. It is a place that allowed me to see inside myself. I saw my childhood conversations about ‘not being good enough,’ and the childhood experiences which reinforced them. The conversation is so powerful, that it lies quietly inside me like a still and weak hurricane, just waiting for the right winds to set off; the perfect wind (like Bill) to blame for its strength.
The Deception of Frustration
I am normally aware of my ‘not enough’ conversation, and for the most part, it usually cannot hold me back. That is, until I am caught off guard, not realizing that I am frustrated and standing in a place where I am looking outside of myself. Then it can squash me like a hurricane squashes a home, leaving only unrecognizable sticks.
Finding Success in the Midst of My Tirade
However, it will not squash me, as long as I get to a place where I see I am the source of the hurricanes in my life. I reached that place after a couple of days in my personal tirade with Bill. But I had to see the real possibility of killing myself with my own mind, before I could realize that I was the problem. Bill may be pissed off at me for a while, for my tongue can be mightier that a sword. Still, I thank him for being a part of the experience, that enabled me to stand in a place of strength, knowing I have the power to kill all hurricanes that come at me; for they start in my own mind. Kill those hurricane and we kill anything that stands in the way of our success.